May 6th, 2004

Bella "the debutante"

Watch Me Shine

Okay, I think might be bordering on manic-depressive today. Earlier, when contemplating my civ pro exam with Adam, Justin and Elizabeth, I plunged to the depths of despair, thinking about how I don't want to repeat next year simply because I couldn't understand some rules that I will always have the opportunity to look up.
But I talked to Shane and he told me that it was going to get better, and that the hardest part is getting over the pride of not being at the top, and that you just have to remember that you are already at the top and get over the over-achiever's fear of failure. And he gave me a dollar, which also brightened me up a little bit. But then the vending machine didn't have Hershey bars, and that sent me spiraling again.
Then, I ran into an undergrad friend who is hoping to get into law school, he is on a waiting list and going to Vail for the summer. I admire his perseverance, I told him that I wouldn't have gone to law school if I had known how hard it was going to be (if only there had been hershey bars, I would have been much more encouraging). Probably not what he wanted to hear, as soon as I said it, I regretted saying it. I always hated those people who discouraged my dreams, and when they said things like, I wouldn't have done it if I had known how hard it was going to be, I thought things like, what a wuss, I am made of stronger stuff than that person. Also, it is like the kid with the ice cream cone (or a hershey bar)when you don't have an ice cream cone and you wish you did who keeps complaining how it keeps dripping and making his hand sticky and that he wished he had gotten another flavor. And I hate that kid. So i felt bad about myself again. But I did tell him that I liked property (he should just be glad he didn't catch me on tuesday...).
Then I ate lunch in the sunshine, and the sun baking down on me lifted my spirits as I thought about how I wished I had sunglasses, but how it was almost summer. And then Desmond and I discussed our strange guilt in being so excited about, and preplanning our drinking activities tomorrow. I don't know, there is something guilty about being so excited about drinking unhealthy amounts alcohol, much more so than just having it happen on a random tuesday night. But then we starting talking about how it was all going to be over, and how we were going to be so happy. And then we discussed how beautiful north campus is and how we can't complain that our occupation places us in such a calming and stately and beautiful place, especially when we have so many beautiful days. Even though the beautiful days are distracting, they are secretly encouraging.
On that note, I ran at the botanical gardens the other day, and let me tell you about how the place has transformed in the past two weeks. It has exploded, it is amazing how quickly it has overgrown after the rain. Running on a trail that i run all the time, and have been running for a year, I almost got lost like three different times. Trees down, on the path, in the river, in the woods. And my friend the snake (the one who scared the bejesus out of me two weeks ago) is still there, in the same place (on the path by the river, in about the middle point between tree path and tree path). After my run on wednesday, the wind was blowing the sun was bright and it was kinda chilly, like in the mountains, and I was overwhelmed by the beauty and the privilege of being exposed to such perfection, and then a car came down the road, and I moved to the side of the road and I ran straight into a sticker bush. And these were big stickers. AND THEY STUCK. In my leg. I had to pull them out one by one and it really hurt. okay, I'm off task.
After Desmond and I discussed the good things about law school, the people we liked, the fact that it has been a very happy year, I got excited and happy. And now I am positively thrilled. This is going to be over so soon. My roommate wants me to meet her in charleston next week at her condo on the beach, and my mom is coming to eat lunch with me tomorrow and my brother is coming tomorrow night to drink with me. Plus, Appel loves me and as such I don't mind taking his exam because although most people think he is a jerk, he has been nothing but encouraging and friendly to me and I appreciate that. So what do i have to complain about? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm telling you, MANIC-DEPRESSIVE).